Resolutions

I feel like I've had so many things going on in my mind recently...It's been pretty hard to organize all my thoughts so get ready for a good amount of reading.

First off, I am still unsure of what my summer plans are going to be. So far, I've signed up for STATS N21 but it's going to be mostly online so it won't interfere with other plans. Here are the possibilities, KCDC, summer session, or nothing at all. Actually to be honest that last one isn't really even in the running. After I didn't get into either of the classes I needed to (R1B/arts and lit breadth) I really thought okay for sure I need to do summer session but after figuring out a tentative schedule for my classes for the rest of my college career with my pol sci adviser, it didn't seem necessary anymore. In fact, after talking about it to several people, I really feel like God was clearing my schedule this summer so that I could do this program. Still though, I am hesitant to make a commitment, because it seriously is a lot of work. Trainings every Sunday for the next 3 months(at least I get to skip basic training), 6 straight weeks of the program in the summer, lesson prep, craft preps, examples for people in my age group... well you get the idea, just a lot of work. I think I'm definitely at the point where I know what I should do, I know what I need to do, but I still want to put it off. Knowing me, I'll probably just agree the next time I'm asked.

Secondly, resolutions. I know it's already February but it'll count for the Chinese New Year =]. Actually I've had these resolutions for about a month now but just have not really told them to anyone. First off, I want to be less.....what's the word....hermit like? and more ....social? Okay explanation time. I think I'm definitely the kind of person who doesn't mind keeping to themselves. That's not to say I don't enjoy being in the company of other people, but I don't mind the quiet. It's a comfortable setting for me. But I definitely get comfortable with keeping to myself and not really speaking out. For those who know me fairly well, you know that I tend to really bottle everything up. If something is bothering me, if I'm struggling with something, if someone says something that really upsets me, I don't say anything. I let it pass and hope that it'll go away. I also tend to keep a lot of comments to myself for fear of offending anyone or seem condescending. Well I'm gonna try really really hard to not do that anymore......well as least not as much. I should have no fear if my intentions are good right? Well.......I'll work on it.

Very related to that, I want to take more chances. I have so many fears, inhibitions, EXCUSES! I never want to do anything that will put me in the spotlight for fear of being judged. It doesn't even have to be something big. I just DO NOT want to stand out. Maybe that's why I enjoy the social sciences so much. Way back in 10th grade in Mr. Vedar's Modern World Class, discussions were centered around a back and forth between me and maybe 1 or 2 other people. *ask Meng for comfirmation* And for the whole first semester, even though I had something to say or I knew the right answer, I would get so scared!! Like seriously, I had this really really bad habit of raising my hand during open discussions (okay I seriously still do this now ALL the time) and my face would turn crazy red. Think.....whole face the shade of a tomato. I kid you not, people in class used to comment and yell it out whenever it happened. And then there was of course the hyperventilating and speaking at 3x my normal speed during presentations.....those were the days.... But back to my original point, ever since then, social science classes were the only classes I felt confident enough to voice my opinion. So again I'm trying to get away from this comfort zone that I'm in. So far I have:

1. agreed to lead worship for LD
2. brought in a song to hopefully play for worship for band ministry (before I would always write an email and say we should learn this song and they would tell me to bring the song in and be prepared to share it......and i did not...)
3. confronted/kindly brought up issues to friends
hopefully this list gets really long by the end of the year
4. volunteered to lead bible study

another example of my desire to fade in. I recently acquired 2 american apparel sweatshirts(gotta love those vendor sales - thanks Chris!). I went to the store to kinda look and see which colors I wanted and I had already decided on the forest green and was thinking about getting either the mermaid green or sea blue. I ultimately decided on the sea blue because the girl at the store said most people get the sea blue because it's an easy color to pull off. And I agreed. It's a pretty dark, normal color and had I gotten it and worn it, it wouldn't be very noticeable. Still my eyes wandered ever so slightly to the mermaid green but I figured, no its too bright, too noticeable, too...not me? But lo and behold, I now have forest green and mermaid green. The more I think about it, the more happy I am that it turned out this way. I really did like the color of mermaid green but would have gone with the safe choice of sea blue....okay I can't believe I just wrote a whole paragraph about my american apparel sweatshirts......for those first time readers, I'm usually not this...vain? no judgment please =]

Switching topics now, for awhile, I stopped trying to write songs. I was never ..satisfied with them and that was because I would always compare it to other songs. But I figured out the real problem. I tried to write songs that other people could sing. I was more focused on writing something that could be sung by other people in worship that I forgot that the reason I started writing in the first place was because the song was true for ME. That seems kind of conceited but am I writing these songs for people, or am I writing them for me or for my growth or for my relationship with God? My heart needs to be at the right place first and foremost.

It's nearly 4am so time for a quick nap before chinese new year breakfast with the fam and then church and EGGETTES with the fellowship =]


On my last day in LA, this was the fortune in my fortune cookie. It's pretty cliche but....well.....maybe